SEINFELD
"The Gun"
Written by
Larry Charles
FIRST DRAFT 9/28/90
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
COPYRIGHT (e) 1990,! CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT
| "No portion of this script may be performed or reproduced by any means, or quoted or published in any medium without the prior written consent of Castle Rock Entertainment, 335 N. Maple Drive, Suite 135, Beverly Hills, CA 90210."
SEINFELD L.
"The Gun" A ACT ONE SCENE A H o
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE. THEY EAT THEIR FOOD. JERRY AND ELAINE SEEM QUITE PLEASED WITH THEIR CHOICES. GEORGE, » HOWEVER, IS, SURPRISE, UNHAPPY. HE STARES LONGINGLY AT JERRY I'm talking about lesbians! ELAINE Keep your voice down. JERRY Why? I'm not saying anything negative about lesbians. I'm pro-lesbian. I love lesbians. Ask anybody. I’m Mr. Lesbian. GEORGE He is... JERRY Men are turned on by lesbians, and yet, lesbians are turned off by
men, isn't that ironic? E
SEINFELD "The Gun"
2. (A)
ELAINE Tronic or moronic?
GEORGE
u s
He’s been listening to Lenny Bruce again. Lemme give you some career advice. Stick to the "supermarket" and "laundromat" stuff, socks, frozen food, that’s your bread and butter. You ain’t no social critico...
JERRY k e You don’t think I should do more hard-edged political material? Make some kind of political statement?
GEORGE Why don’t you just set fire to yourself on stage. That's a statement...go down into the audience and start smacking people. Knock their drinks over. That's a statement...Here, you want a good joke for your act? I heard this one at the office. Why'd the Siamese twins go to England?
ELAINE
Why? PAUSE, AS GEORGE HAS OBVIOUSLY FORGOTTEN THE PUNCHLINE.
SEINFELD 3. “The Gun" ! (A)
GEORGE (POUNDING THE TABLE) Oh, damn! (TO JERRY) Why? JERRY Don’t look at me. GEORGE You, see, you made me forget. JERRY I did? GEORGE Yeah, with your biting social commentary. i
GEORGE PONDERS.
ELAINE / os Ao So, did I tell you’I’m’ buying a gun?
JERRY Is this a joke, too?
ELAINE No, I'm serious.
GEORGE Don't you hate that? When you forget a punchline.
JERRY I hate when you dent, fo I
j
SEINFELD "The Gun"
4. (A) ELAINE A lady in my building was mugged last night. I know six people who were mugged this year. £c
JERRY Yea, but having a gun wouldn't help. If they had a gun they probably would've been killed.
GEORGE To get to the other side?
ELAINE Is that it?
JERRY Not even close...what happened, did Molly Dodd buy a gun?
ELAINE You just don't understand what it's like being a single woman in this city.
GEORGE I as ed I'm not that masculine. It’s not a big leap for me.
JERRY What do you know about guns?! Are you prepared to use it? Are you
prepared to kill somebody?
SEINFELD "The Gun"
5. (A) ELAINE I'm prepared to kill you! GEORGE Don't kill him...just make him zc dance! JERRY
You know you're not helping at all. She wants to buy a gun.
GEORGE I don't blame her. You need some protection in this city. You need sone security. After my apartment was broken into a couple of times, I started keeping a sword under my bed.
JERRY A sword? Who do you think is going to break into your house, the Knights of the Round Table?
GEORGE Maybe I got what they want?
JERRY You know, you're both crazy. I
can't even talk to you.
SEINFELD 6. "The Gun" (A)
GEORGE So, don't. Go put on tights and puffy sleeves and a floppy velvet
u $$
hat and a scroll and spread your message of peace and love. When they find you face down in a pool of blood, in some alley, then you'll be happy.
JERRY Yeah. I'll be thrilled. You see, you've given up! Life means nothing to you. Instead of finding solutions, you've given up!
ELAINE Why don't you go, get a basket of posies, sow the seas of love in Central Park about 1 A.M. and see what kind of solutions you get!
JERRY RISES.
JERRY Elaine, if you buy a gun, you're just perpetuating the violence! You're as bad as the criminal!
ELAINE I'd rather be a criminal than a victim!
GEORGE
Me too!
SEINFELD "The Gun"
JERRY RETURNS.
HE WALKS OUT.
JERRY (HEATEDLY, TO GEORGE) By the way, it’s so the other one could drive! GEORGE What? JERRY So the other one could drive! Why did the Siamese twins go to England? So the other one could
drive!
GEORGE Yeah. That's it. Isn't that funny. See, that’s the kind of stuff you should be doing!
(A)
DISSOLVE TO:
SEINFELD "The Gun"
(B)
ACT ONE SCENE B
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE I have got a piece of food caught way up above my gum, beyond the reach of my tongue.
JERRY What Kind of a mutant are you? You mean God short-tongued you?
GEORGE What are you, the viper? I don’t see you catching flies with your tongue. Whad’ya, keep it rolled up in your mouth like a belt?
JERRY I can reach any area of my mouth at any time with my tongue. That’s the kind of function a normal tongue should be able to perforn. sE
(MORE)
SEINFELD 9. "The Gun" (B)
JERRY (CONT’D) I’ve got a normal tongue, not a stub-tongue, like you. You've got a stub-tongue, my friend, my zc stubby-tongued friend. You need some kind of a tongue extender. GEORGE I have one. It's called a finger. GEORGE STICKS HIS FINGER UP INSIDE HIS MOUTH. JERRY Arghhh! You are fired! You are fired as my friend!
KRAMER ENTERS. HE IS BADLY SUNBURNT, PEELING LIKE A SHARPENED PENCIL.
KRAMER
I'm back. JERRY
Hey! How was Puerto Rico? KRAMER
It rained the whole time. PAUSE. JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE A GLANCE.
KRAMER (CONT’D)
(RE: FACE) Oh this. They had a
defective tanning machine in the
hotel. I'm suing.
SEINFELD i 10. "The Gun" (B)
GEORGE I bet the women loved that. That, "I just got back from a
nuclear explosion" look.
u Li
JERRY You look like "Swamp Thing goes on vacation." KRAMER 7 I did alright. The women like it when you’re peeling. 7 JERRY You’re not peeling. You're shedding. GEORGE Yeah. I bet they were grabbing strips of your skin and dancing around you like a maypole. KRAMER Go ahead. Make your jokes. The stewardess on the plane ride home didn't seem to mind. JERRY Maybe she thought you were a celebrity - DARKMAN. GEORGE (WITH INCREDULITY AND SARCASM) So, you picked up a stewardess, eh,
Kramer? A little "stew" action?
SEINFELD 11. "The Gun" (B)
KRAMER I didn’t pick her up. We just... HE SLOWLY THRUSTS HIS FIST FORWARD. GEORGE
t$ +8
What, punched each other? JERRY No. SUDDENLY, IT DAWNS ON GEORGE. GEORGE Oh! Get outta here! This! HE MAKES FIST THRUST.
^
KRAMER This! HE MAKES FIST THRUST. GEORGE On a plane! HE MAKES FIST THRUST. KRAMER
“Op _ariplapds es wer? fi, ale
HE MAKES FIST THRUST.
GEORGE R : / GetoputtaAbérb! phi stewadress, KRAMER Lhe v jv.
MAB vase CEM: Millie LD er. Moa by
Decanter),
12. (B)
GEORGE
Get out of here. No way. Did ya go non-stop? I'vexheard: of bonus mileage. ze heard «f flying the =: friehdly skies{ What was the oye DEEP THROAT? Did they have à sign flashing "Plkase fasten leür ,congossi" X bey sha returned ypur tray to she prie] poslsiont ^1 iP rey yok y otsa ‘ner/ airgpace,
Come on. I can’t get laid on : land, this quy's making it on jumbo jets...(TO ose ATCHING
iay dá
spans 4 Vid on
r M P
E An Wh PAE of |bréd
AVS pU Kann qe ODER Rompe, GEORGE eL What Yan Gh ZiX g Exper yttg-true. ' You had sex with a stewardess ord a so a d Df lu. abe Ph flight: mi osi iin Sally Ride on the space shuttle.
Come on, let's go out and rent a
polygraph machine right now!
—— aeee
Q0 ATERE AU ES X Dig geh MANN schéhe? Uas pam BEL ew WE
SEINFELD "The Gun"
~N
y BRAMER
ood P / E ne CUAL «424
on) fean Worked ' ‘Ike ay /charm. GEOBGE
What scheme. ~
N n KRAMER , My ox-brothert in-law, Dave p is an diring mechanic in Miami. I dsa his nane! and I get à i professiona distount. Ry. for! | hal& fires j
GEORGE
13. (B)
pT cen eila ps :
u P4
TO" ENTI Leer, fec,
he sse f C
-—
ose e GAME e S > 7
DQ. tee HL tS - E :
Oh great. : Not., only 7 seki v h foe feos A 7. zo
dh ng(half'f re!’ What were the
other passengers Pavers! j
TER Los en "faf ERG ie tuayp. 4 Dye te T fan fs nts 4
i
KRAMER It was làte. The plane was enpty.
We lifted up the armrests. We had
the whole aisle to ourselves.
-— . - z Naty gover os
mt ES Lp? eee o, P
SEINFELD 14. "The Gun" (B)
KRAMER I've had sex on public transportation before, George.
Once I had sex in the toilet of a z
+
greyhound bus going cross country with some fat, pimply...
JERRY Hey, I believe you! Must [ be subjected to this sordid tale.
KRAMER I still have her number.
GEORGE Somehow, you and some pig in a bus, I can buy. But this...
ELAINE ENTERS.
JERRY Oh, look who's here. The future Mrs. Bernie Goetz. Ask Elaine if she thinks it's true.
GEORGE Elaine, Kramer says he had sex with a stewardess on the flight back from Puerto Rico.
ELAINE You know, I think the women's movement has missed the boat all these years.
(MORE)
SEINFELD 15. "The Gun" (B)
ELAINE (CONT’D) The issue shouldn't be legalized
abortion. It's castration.
is $
Legalized castration. GEORGE Elaine!
ELAINE, \ -> VL.
Y as AC I shopping. i Grd T2 omae a It pute yay in a ag EN mood.
h CU N 7 “TERRY
\on arent pone have a t ‘x
M NM s
I was just Tooke Ng.
Gud AsO § CADE M Nen&rgy when" I'm PMS Vs HT ey NS ? Te cut Ee LUN eh PLE LEO
E "y —,. > 65 > E7 Yow-looking for a gun, ere ELAINE
I’ve just started. KRAMER I got a stun gun you can have. Hardly ever been used. It just needs batteries. ELAINE ; I think I want something with bullets.
SEINFELD "The Gun"
16. (B) KRAMER Hey, Jerry, you should take her to see Mo. JERRY FEE: Mo Korn? KRAMER Yea. JERRY Uh-uh. No Mo. No way. ELAINE Who's Mo Korn? JERRY Nobody. ELAINE Who's Mo, Jerry? JERRY This guy. Lives in my old building. Shares an apartment with his mother. ELAINE X
And he sells guns?
JERRY I'm not sure what he does. He'sa, weird guy. I’m not gonna call him. There’s no reason for you to
purposely meet Mo Korn.
BEINFELD "The Gun"
17. (B)
KRAMER If you want, Elaine, I’ll call him. (TO JERRY) I see him more than
you, anyway. tc ELAINE
Would you? KRAMER
Sure. JERRY
Where do you see Mo Korn? KRAMER At the chess club. I see him all the time. JERRY Well, you two can buy illegal firearms from Mo Korn and his mother. Count me out. KRAMER Elaine, you wanna see the stun gun? ELAINE I don’t know. KRAMER
Don't worry...
SEINFELD "The Gun'
GEORGE Stewardess. Do you know what kind of trouble she'd get into. Do you think she'd risk her entire career to have sex with Kramer? There are federal regulations. Tom Cruise, maybe. But, Kramer? At least Tom Cruise was in TOP GUN! He might have a note from a general: Up JDEEICIOÓS—yOLCE)
JERRY Well, nothing against Tom Cruise, he's a fine young talent, but I must warn you, our man Kramer is capable of amazing, unheard of, unworldly feats of sexual prowess. It's some kind of a deal he made with Satan. The man is a hound from Hell!
GEORGE Look, maybe they kissed. Maybe they even made out. But, I'm sorry, I do not subscribe to the "Big Bang Theory."
JERRY You wanna bet?
GEORGE Yeah. I'd bet on this.
me moe eyy a
SEINFELD "The Gun"
JERRY How much, ten bucks? GEORGE Ten bucks. It’s not worth betting. z- Who cares who wins for ten bucks. JERRY Well, how much. Fifty, a hundred. GEORGE I'd bet a thousand. That's how sure I am. JERRY Alright. A thousand bucks. GEORGE (SURPRISED) You'd bet a thousand bucks? JERRY If I knew I was going to win. GEORGE How do you know you’re going to win? JERRY Why would I bet if I didn’t think I'd win? GEORGE Do you know something that I don't
know?
A eer 9 SQ
t
BEINFELD "The Gun"
20. (B)
JERRY I know he's telling the truth. You don't seem to know that. GEORGE £t
How do you know.
JERRY I think.
GEORGE You think.
JERRY
I think, therefore, I know. GEORGE So, you think he's telling the truth? : JERRY And you think he's not. GEORGE I know he's not. JERRY How p you know? GEORGE (WEAKENING)...I think. JERRY Well, do we have a bet? GEORGE (LAUGHING KNOWINGLY) You bet...
HE OFFERS HIS HAND.
- =- wr w
á
SEINFELD 21. "The Gun" (B)
GEORGE (CONT'D) Ten bucks. THEY SHAKE. WE HEAR AN ELECTRIC SURGE AND A KRAMER SCREAM. ELAINE (O.C.) zc Jerry! DiSSOLVE TO:
SEINFELD 22. "The Gun" (C)
: t * ? M i^ e pe >
5 DONE. te 3 PS
-— QoS Lm Tp um ene umm us usn. cy uA a
TN zin ; . IN A. ro iror REZ he set Ws ATEN
/ Spr Cn E T -— V PR ü 1 t S3 0T TS p NE ceni uus n hnk : 8B OTAVA ES 4 * H ? 2 t 4 2 DS sey COPE. tah ES Y Ti
$ ACT ONE 9 eoo sy hopie an we T at t
SCENE C D aK CT nke O puis VL Ru $ )
EXT. MO’S APARTMENT DOOR :
JERRY, KRAMER AND ELAINE WAIT. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF
NUMEROUS LOCKS AND LATCHES BEING UNLOCKED.AND UNLATCHED.
p ELAINE P l ] Ge trie of-peu ko donb. (oom IKu e rappel? o Kemer
JERRY
- ——— a
15 wasn't,nice. I’ yg,ÉXomised/to , thas c |e wre a l Hid tms [n Hatasi You / pee ach Td GU E duge uP in/ [a wan moment. : I wap | prs 3 bi pU i i NY
aa siddepi (uii is ike s kryptonite to a Jew.
i
NT. MO'S A
MO OPENS THE DOOR. JERRY, WENMER AND ELAINE ENTER. MO IS OVERWEIGHT, GREASY, SLOW AND LOW KEY. A MAN OF FEW FRIENDS.
MO Jerry, Jerry. What a surprise.
JERRY Mo.
MO . " Mal Look who's here! Jerry!
e y y e e a —
- æ am ow
i
SEINFELD 23. "The Gun" (C)
MRS. KORN (0.C.) Jarry’s here? Jerry Seinfeld. Morris, why didn’t you tell me Jerry was coming. I would’ve c served something. JERRY
Hello, Mrs. Korn.
Dii
Á
Hi, TA zu MRS. KORN Wait! I’m not dressed.
JERRY MAKES A FACE AT THE MENTAL IMAGE OF MRS. KORN, NAKED)
P at, Ea i Che jadis ‘s a Hexe. m er. d
And you must be Laine. ELAINE E-laine. MO E-laine. Oh. I thought it was Laine. MOM ENTERS IN "SCHMATA". SHE PLOPS ON A CHAIR. MRS. KORN Oy. My name is Korn and I've got corns. Actually, that's my married name. My name is Diamond. But, I
don't have any diamonds.
Lu P
- oe e
SEINFELD 24. "The Gun" (C)
JERRY
How are you, Mrs. Korn? MRS. KORN How am I? I smoke too much and I z?
don’t have a boyfriend, right
eeu, y Exámér? 247 ^, MO is Ma. es
KRAMER, IS CHAGRINED. MRS. KORN i He's embarrassed by everything I say...
MO PULLS OUT A LARGE SUITCASE AND OPENS IT. INSIDE ARE A VARIETY OF HAND GUNS. ;
MRS. KORN (CONT'D) I don't even like to look. MO
So, go inside Ma!
ELAINE Wow. ELAINE AND KRAMER IMMEDIATELY HANDLE WEAPONS. JERRY IS IMPATIENT. JERRY
So, Mo, when did you start selling guns? i MO I don't sell guns. MRS. KORN i God forbid.
-— ow o yo A om oe
~ e m e
SEINFELD "The Gun"
MO
I only do this for friends. , KRANER ¢. e 7
(TO JERRY) Al told yh. ‘(to Ho e Jerry thinks you're ione kind of big time arms dealer.
MRS. KORN Who, Mo?
MO I wish. I'd get my own place. I'd live in a penthouse.
MRS. KORN And, what do you do if there's a fire in your penthouse?
JERRY I never said that...
MO So, Jerry, you still play softball?
JERRY Once in awhile.
MO (TO ELAINE RE: WEAPON SHE HOLDS) That's the Glock 17, 9mm. It's got double action and a frame mounted safety so you can carry it cocked or locked.
HABER E
That's a good feature.
way eee Hem ae ewe eng oe
e ae eee
LOE ;
BEINFELD "The Gun"
on tO
ELAINE
How much. MO
If you like it, don't worry about £t
the price. MRS. KORN
Mo is very fair. MO
Jerry, you lost weight? JERRY
Maybe a little. MO
(TO ELAINE) That's a Heckler and
Koch. They make a nice gun. MRS. KORN
So, Jerry, how's your mother? JERRY
She's fine. MRS. KORN
Oh, thank God. Tell her Muriel
from the old building says hello. JERRY
I will...Elaine!
ELAINE, HOLDING A WEAPON.
ELAINE
Look at this, Jerry. It comes in purple or jade. Jade would go with
my purse.
nd
A e See Jeet ets ees = debe Die:
SEINFELD 27.
"The Gun" ` (€) JERRY Great. (HOLDING A WEAPON) You could do T some damage with this baby. -HE OFFERS IT TO JERRY. JERRY I don't want that. Damage, you do with a rock or a stick. You break a window, you knock out a street light. Ripping a massive hole through someone's anatomy is not damage. ELAINE TURNS AND POINTS GUN AT JERRY. ELAINE (WITH SWAGGER) Shut up wimp, or I'll blow your brains out.
ELAINE, KRAMER, MO AND MRS. KORN CRACKUP WITH LAUGHTER. JERRY IS NOT AMUSED.
JERRY (NOT AMUSED) Yeah, ha, ha, ha...
SUDDENLY THERE'S A POUNDING ON THE DOOR. EVERYONE FREEZES. ELAINE, KRAMER AND MO HOLD FIREARMS. JERRY’S EYES BULGE IN
HORROR,
BEINFELD "The Gun"
MO . Who's there? (0.C. V.O.) "POLICE. OPEN UP!" ON THIS FROZEN TABLEAU OF FEAR, WE:
ND O T ONE
28. (C)
€ o- - 9
FADE OUT:
7 c—: a o9 m
-— A— 9
a
SEINFELD 29. "The Gun" (D)
SCENE D
INT. MO’S APARTMENT - SECONDS LATER . MO - " Hold it... HE MOVES TO DOOR WITH GUN. JERRY (PANICKED) What are you doing?
Àre you crazy? You'll get us all
killed! MO Don't worry...nobody’s gonna get bere vet hurt... LT A pn ^ 2 ORIS OPEN DOOR, EC COCKED LIKE A "DIRTY HARRY" MOVIE. Pri, S PN, DOGRWAX,_SNICHERING\ THEY ARE.MO'S - L rates e te MI. SKEE MA
w PSAL ERA.
I knew it was you...
SEINFELD 30. "The Gun" i (D)
JERRY AND ELAINE SLUMP IN THE BED. KRAMER LAUGHS? JJ, "- KRAMER That was a good one.-: v: MO xut tc
" » Eug Thesg are my tyfends, Chicky, and
f 1
xt OM Ro 9]
Fi / fa A f if vA ; Mintz. This is Elaine, Jeryy and t
i j Kramer. ' i THEY EXCHANGE AD LIB GREETINGS. JERRY ANB ELAINE (AD-LIB): "CHICKY...MINTZ<" jx s
-———— 9
| Hope we Mae udis.
to AUS stg
u d E MRS. KORN
í I recognized your voice right away. " /
/
CHICKY ——— AR We're going down to 42nd Street, MRS. KORN Why don't you boys get some: real girlfriends, MINTZ Look at us. x / | cHICKY P Anyway, 42nd Street ig cheaper.
You know what I'm saying. MRS. KORN
A couple of real schnorrers.
MINTZ
You guys wanna go to lane Street, -— * or, you don't do that) \
i
i
LM ed
à
SEINFELD 5 31. "The Gun" (D)
; ; JERRY È , We were po leaving. , KRAMER , ! [e on Teen, icut bg fun, pro zc eT) He used to go/ a1 the ‘ine until he became a bigj shot. ^ — JERRY 1 did pots\ sands A’m(not_a big Astigt. (EDGY) You ready, Elaine? ELAINE (EQUALLY EDGY) No. I haven't e
decided yet. K JERRY Peet T7 Es these guys or oe going. wh Oh Oa MA s / F, ] | MO | 7 ; P.
/ j Don’t worry. fimes Square’s/ open
twenty-four hours. The e'g no / rush.
M / JERÉY ROLLS;HIS EYES
"E. CHICKY i ! , (TO LAINE) Why don’t you come to / ree with us. fel got things for E chicks. "n ELAINE | 4 / No tha 8.4. / : ^ geRRY| /
Elaine.
SEINFELD 32. "The Gun" (D)
ELAINE derty, lf you can’t wait, then go without me.
JERRY z= : ordi
vide I thought you were afraid
j IRR MER) ; We/là.frotect her, Jerry. i te : ELAINE
* + anpere EES
And, besides, when I leave, I’ll
ed
have a gun.
JERRY Great. Fine. Do what you want. I'm going. Mo, Chickyy-M*TICZ, Mrs. Korn, it’s been a pleasure.
MRS. KORN You've got a hair...
JERRY REMOVES A HAIR FROM HIS SHIRT, SWELES KXUD BEGINS TO EXIT.
BBY LOOKS BACK AND :
DISSOLVE TO:
— Mo
BEINFELD 33, "The Gun" (E)
ACTI Two
INT. GEORGE'S CAR ELAINE SITS ALONE IN BACKSEAT. SUDDENLY, GEORGE GETS IN.
GEORGE i He'll be right down... (HE CHECKS
HIS WATCH) The flight from Puerto Rico arrives at 12:30...we're just qonná make it...should I take the bridge or the tunnel?...So, anyway, you were saying, you went to Mo Korn's but... l
ELAINE Yeah. Jerry left, but I didn’t buy anything. I was this close, but I chickened out. It was just too weird. I guess I'm not ready to carry a gun. I don't know how murderers do it.
GEORGE Well, Jerry will be happy. ae
x Ne — 9 9
SEINFELD "The Gun"
(E)
ELAINE Yeah. That's the only down side. Jerry's happiness. Jerry's glee. There's nothing more insufferable =° than Jerry Seinfeld when he's right.
GEORGE He thinks you bought the gun.
ELAINE Good. That's what I want him to think. So don’t say anything. But, here's what I’m going to do. At some point tonight, when he's giving me a hard time and he thinks his logic is unassailable and his argument is so persuasive, how could anybody disagree with him, I'm gonna whip this out and shove
it in his mouth.
SHE PULLS A GUN OUT OF HIS PURSE.
GEORGE Wow, that looks real, it's got waight. ELAINE I bought it at the toy store around the corner from me. But, don’t say anything. ~ (MORE)
M m o ee ee eee
— — we eye oe.
n
à
SEINFELD "The Gun"
ELAINE (CONT'D) I just want to see the look on his face. I want to see him befoul his crisp stonewashed blue jeans. I want him to gulp down one hard saliva lump of death before I tell him the truth, okay? GEORGE Okay, okay, okay...shh, shh...here he comes. Here he comes. JERRY ENTERS CAR. GEORGE AND ELAINE ASSUME CASUAL i JERRY George...Annie Oakley...is it warm in here, or are you just packing heat? ; ELAINE One bullet in the brainpan oughta drop your body temperature considerably. JERRY I guess that would provide some cross-ventilation. Can you give me the Kennedy? In here (MOTIONING TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) and out here. (MOTIONING TO HIS ADAM'S
APPLE)
353 (E)
t ua
STANCE. `
— — eee
SEINFELD "The Gun"
1
36. (E) ELAINE Maybe I'll just take a little off the top. JERRY =
Aah...the Lincoln.
GEORGE Did you bring the picture of Kramer?
JERRY Yeah. Elaine, could you put this in your bag, if there’s room with your arsenal. You’re already getting that steely glint in your eyes, like Charles Bronson.
ELAINE That steady stream of patter is going to be replaced by a steady stream of blood.
GEORGE Should I take the bridge or the tunnel?
ELAINE Bridge.
JERRY Tunnel.
— oe — iid
BEINFELD "The Gun"
GEORGE I/11 take the bridge...no, the tunnel...no, the bridge...the tunnel...I'l1l take the bridge... HE TURNS THE STEERING WHEEL. GEORGE (CONT'D) ,..Ah, I should've taken the tunnel... JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF,
37. (E)
CUT TO:
38. (G)
vu -
EXT. TRAFFIC TO AIRPORT (STOCK SHOT)
JERRY (V.0.) You know, you do that every time. j You can’t decide whether to take the bridge or the tunnel. So, you decide to take the bridge and then, you take the wrong bridge.
GEORGE\ (V.0.) Look. The bridge/tynnel thinghas been a source of anxiety for me since I first got my license. I’ve sat up at night trying, to decide whether to take the bridge or the
tunnel. Don’t make it worse than
-it is...
JERRY (V.O.) Alright... ] DISSOLVE TO:
* t 9
—— Ó oe mmo tem Sheet
BEINPELD 39. "The Gun" (H)
ACT TWO SCENE H
INT. AIRPORT
Y GEORGE AND IN NTER, JERRY AND GEORGE GLANCING ABOUT. THEY ARE RUSHED AND NERVOUS.
JERRY
a ~ You ask her.
GEORGE No, you ask her. JERRY No, you ask her. GEORGE No, you ask her. JERRY I’m not asking her. GEORGE
If you don't ask her, it's a
forfeit. JERRY What about you? GEORGE
Why should I if you won't? a
SEINFELD "The Gun"
40. (H) JERRY Alright, we'll both ask her. GEORGE Oh, no. That never works. What =
are we gonna do, alternate words? Elaine, you have to ask.
ELAINE Me.
GEORGE (POINTING TO ANONYMOUS WOMAN) No, her! Yeah, you. Come on, you're a woman, She’ll relate to you.
lies;
Okay...here she comes. She's
pretty.
ee ee eee
SEINFELD ` 41. "The Gun" (H)
GEORGE Too pretty. This woman would never have sex with Kramer. Unless she has a fetish for human oddities, in ** which case, I might have a shot. JERRY They were drinking. It was dark. GEORGE I don’t care if they fell into a vat of whiskey during a total eclipse. f JERRY/ GEORGE Elaine! Elaine! CONNIE, AN ATTRACTIVE, RED-HAIRED STEWARDESS, WHEELING A LITTLE CART WITH A SINGLE BAG, CROSSES. ELAINE IS PUSHED OUT IN FRONT, RELUCTANTLY, JUST AS QONNZE IS PASSING, BLOCKING HER PATH. Jou € ELAINE = Hi, Connie. CONNIE Hi! ELAINE I’m Elaine. This is Jerry and George. CONNIE Nice to meet you. JERRY /GEORGE (EMBARRASSED) Hi, hello, how are -==
ya...
*
SEINFELD 42. "The Gun" (H)
CONNIE
Can I help y'all with anything? GEORGE
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Y’all. as ELAINE
Well, we sure hope so...uh...how do
I put this...it’s a bit awkward...
CONNIE Yes? ELAINE " ‘ i C^ dest hi [4 Well, we're friends of Days. ‘ p 7 CONNIE Days?
ue, boule p p. Davsscgwe-iu. AMER . once! beds ^ CONNIE Dave—Zweig? me, Pe be pane, iow ue He says he's a very good friend of yours. CONNIE He does? JERRY A very good friend. ELAINE Yes. He says you became very friendly on the trip back to Puerto Rico, last week.
Naat neni ete te
v-
SEINFELD "The Gun"
43. (H)
JERRY (WITH À SLY SMILE) Very friendly... CONNIE =f (HER TONE IS FLAT, UNFRIENDLY) Really. ELAINE Does any of this ring a bell? JERRY (TO GEORGE) More like an alarm. CONNIE "
I'm sorry. I don't recall any pave LANA leomei . Zw%ig. Perhaps you have me mistaken for somebody else. If you'll excuse me. GEORGE Sure. Go right ahead. Thanks for your help, Connie. (HE WINKS AT HER) So long. Keep ‘em flying. JERRY Now, wait a minute. Hang on one second. Are you in a rush? Can we buy you a drink. If we could just explain... CONNIE I don’t drink while I’m on duty. JERRY Oh, really.
SEINFELD 44.
"The Gun" (H)
GEORGE Jerry, the woman's in a rush. These airline people have tight schedules. Am I right, Connie? is You'd better hurry... CONNIE What is this all about? Who are you? JERRY (TO ELAINE) Show her the thing... ELAINE OPENS HER POCKETBOOK. : ELAINE Let me show you something. Maybe this will help. SHE SEARCHES FOR THE PHOTO. AS SHE DOES, SHE PULLS OUT, IN QUICK SUCCESSION, A HAIRBRUSH, A MIRROR - AND, THE TOY GUN. CONNIE SCREAMS. GEORGE What?
SUDDENLY, GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SWARMED UPON BY ARMED SECURITY.
GUARDS Freeze! THEY ARE SURROUNDED, GUNS OMINOUSLY DIRECTED AT THEM. THEY RAISE THEIR HANDS. ELAINE'S STILL CLUTCHING THE HAIRBRUSH, MIRROR AND TOY GUN. | GEORGE It’s a toy! It’s a toy! GUARD ms
You're a toy, pal! =
SEINFELD 45. "The Gun" (H)
GEORGE I'm a toy? ON THEIR SHOCKED EXPRESSIONS, WE: DISSOLVE TO:
SEINFELD
46. "The Gun" (J) ACT TWO SCENE J INT. JERRY’S AP N
JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE SIT ON COUCH. UNHAPPY. ARMS CROSSED.
THEY ARE WAITING.
JERRY This is the last time I order food to be delivered. The place is a block away and it's been forty minutes. We could've picked it up, eaten it and been sick already.
ELAINE Call 'em again.
JERRY What good is that gonna do? They're gonna say, "It's on it's way." Then, I'll say, "How could it be on the way, you're only one block from my house.
(MORE)
-
t À
SEINPELD "The Gun"
JERRY (CONT'D) If the delivery guy slithered on his stomach, like a snake, he’d be here already," and, they'll say "Maybe he got lost." And I'11 say "Maybe. How about definitely," and they'll say "Well, what do you want us to do! and that's the only relevant question, because they don’t care. They don’t need my business. If I'm angry, or unhappy or dissatified, it’s my tough luck. It’s the new service motto sweeping the nation: The customer’s always wrong!
' GEORGE I've always said, they should require these delivery guys to wear monitoring devices on their ankles.
JERRY And, how long do you wait to cancel the order? Do you refuse to pay? Do you tip?
GEORGE Definitely not.
47. (J)
SEINFELD "The Gun"
48. (J)
JERRY S What if it’s not his fault? What if it’s the kitchen’s fault? Or, the person who took the call wrote 77 down the wrong address. Should the delivery guy suffer because there was a breakdown in dispatching...I just wanted something to eat! Instead, I’m going to have an aneurysm and I'll wind up being fed through a tube the rest of my life! E
JERRY Finally.
HE SWINGS OPEN THE DOOR. ENTERS. HE IS CARRYING
AN ENVELOPE.
HE MARCHES OVER TO GEORGE.
KRAMER Here it is, Georgie. I told ya. Read it and weep. JERRY Is there food in that envelope? KRAMER You want me to cook some spagetti? JERRY No. We ordered a whole dinner.
We've been waiting an hour.
SEINFELD 49. "The Gun" (J)
KRAMER I just saw a delivery guy drop a big bag of food between two parked cars.
JERRY Was it Italian or Chinese?
KRAMER Red.
JERRY Red! Marinara. That's it! That's my rigatoni.
KRAMER Wait Jerry. Listen to this. GEORGE TAKES LETTER OUT OF THE ENVELOPE AND BEGINS TO READ.
GEORGE
Dear Bate. LAEE Kopel.»
OER Au Dove; Zyeys. . . konmie |
GEORGE Just a quick note to catch you up on the recent dramatic changes in my life. First off I am officially an ex-stewardess. Since my near brush with death the night I was accosted by those three crazies a couple of months back... =%
ELAINE
That’s us!
SEINFELD 50. "The Gun" (J)
GEORGE (CONTINUED) I've reassessed my
goals. JERRY TT We drove her out of the business! GEORGE
(CONTINUED) I’ve decided to return to my first love - sales. Life is
too short and precious to not
i follow your dreams. E - ` JERRY l Sales?... GEORGE
(CONTINUED) Secondly, gaye konve darling, if my experience at the airport that night has taught me * anything, it's taught me this - a girl can't be too careful these days. So, I have purchased a gun. ELAINE HITS JERRY.
" — ÉLAÍNE
You see! JERRY
Me! It's your fault!
SEINFELD "The Gun"
51. (J)
GEORGE (CONTINUES) If you ever find
yourself in Flagstaff and you want
I ui
to buy something, please look me up. And finally, my love, since our rendezvous in the sky, I'm still in the clouds. (GEORGE LOOKS UP AT THE OTHERS, CRESTFALLEN) If you file a claim, the airline might reimburse you for your sock...Love,
Connie...
GEORGE PLACES LETTER DOWN.
KRAMER I think you owe Jerry some money. GEORGE Why? This doesn't prove anything. It's not notarized or anything. It's hardly a legal document. Up in the clouds. That could be a drug reference. JERRY Come on pay up! ‘ GEORGE This letter wouldn’t hold up in
court.
i
SEINFELD 52. "The Gun" ` (J)
KRAMER You know, this is nothing. I once had sex with a girl on the "pP" train during rush hour. And I still see that girl. GEORGE’ Get outta here! d KRAMER You wanna bet! I’ll call her right now. x AND AS THEY ARGUE, WE: A OUT